


Guilt

by SpaceEdgars



Series: Something This Important [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angus Bluejeans, Angus Bluejeans theory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, humor at the end, lup has issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 00:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceEdgars/pseuds/SpaceEdgars
Summary: Lup has difficulty sleeping because the thoughts of what she's done keep her up at night.(not necessary to read the rest of the series but it would help. All you really need to understand is Angus is Barry and Lup's biological son because Magic)





	Guilt

She had a body, she had a job, but most importantly she had her family back. 

But there was something wrong. She tried not to let anyone notice, but it was eating her up, threatening to swallow her whole whenever she wasn't distracted. So she kept herself distracted, with her work as a reaper, taking on extra hours, or with Angus’s schooling, helping with homework he didn't need help with and practicing magic with him, teaching him the evocation magic Taako had neglected to. He was getting stronger every day. 

But it wasn't enough at night, she had come to enjoy sleep, it was as effective as a good few hours of meditation while taking longer, but unlike meditation, it took longer to start, unless she burned a spell slot. 

So she was at an impasse. On one hand, she could meditate for a few hours, sitting up in bed next to a sleeping Barry, or on the couch, and then spend the night occupying herself with cooking, cleaning, or researching and practicing new spells. She spent a few weeks creating a new wand, something similar to the umbrastaff, but safer. Anything to keep her mind occupied. On the other hand, she could lie awake until her thoughts consumed her and she cried herself to sleep, which she often did when Barry had the late shift, so he didn’t have to see her like this, and her room was far enough from Angus’s that he couldn’t hear her sobs in the night. Several times she had to pull herself together when there was a premature rip in the fabric of space, signifying Barry’s return from work, she would quickly cast sleep on herself once she’d heard the first sound of the spacial rift, or when there was a soft knock on the door and Angus would walk in, also sniffling. He’d apologize for bothering her, but he’d say he’d had a nightmare, Lup would say she had had one too. And he would climb into bed and she’d concentrate on how she had him again after so long. Somehow sleep would overcome her and Barry would return to his family safe, whole and together again. There were a few, rare nights when sleep came easy, and usually those were spent tucked in Barry’s arms.

Deep down he knew something was wrong with Lup, but he didn't press it. If there was something he knew about Lup, it was that he knew she would want to deal with whatever was bothering her herself. But he was tired of coming back to her sleeping form, seeing her cheeks stained with tears. Sometimes when he’d get home early he’d be able to detect the lingering presence of a newly cast spell, and see the still wet streaks of tears on his love’s face.

Angus knew something was up too. He knew it wasn’t coincidental that his mother had nightmares the same nights he did, and, since he was the world’s greatest detective, he did some snooping, and figured out her pattern. If his father was working the night shift, Angus would be able to hear the sniffling coming from her room if he creeped close enough. On nights that Barry was home, he knew his mother would meditate, because she was up before him on those mornings, and everything was clean. 

-

It was one of those nights where Lup tried sleeping, since Barry was working overnight, hunting down souls and all that. She was alone with her thoughts, and considering she’d been alone with her thoughts for like, four hours now, she was about to give up on natural sleep and just cast it, or maybe meditate and find something to distract her mind with. At the moment she was huddling in the dark under a blanket trying to dry her leaking eyes while stifling her sniffles as she let her mind yell at her for what she’d done. 

From her cocoon of sadness, she didn’t hear the tearing sound come from the living room. 

As Barry stepped through the rift he’d created he cast his soulbound reaper’s scythe into the void, and allowed his similarly soulbound reaper’s cloak disappear as well, leaving him in a rumpled black dress shirt and blood stained blue jeans, it had been a messy night collecting wayward souls. After washing his hands in the kitchen sink, Barry headed to his bedroom. 

He opened the door to find that Lup had taken all the covers and wrapped herself in them, he also found them oddly… tense, but they soon relaxed and Lup’s voice emerged from somewhere in the pile, “Ango, dear, are you okay?” she asked quietly, with a hint of strain on her voice, like she was withholding something. 

“Angus is asleep, babe. Are you okay?” Barry asked as he sat on the bed, reaching a hand over to try and untangle Lup from her cocoon of blankets. She reluctantly allowed herself to be revealed, and sighed, knowing that this conversation could not be put off any longer. She put on a fake smile.

“Just peachy, Barold,” she told him.

Barry could see through her smile, he could see the corner of her mouth trembling.

“You know that I don’t think that’s true. I can tell you haven’t been sleeping well, tell me what’s bothering you,” he said as he moved so he was sitting right beside her.

Lup turned so her face was pressed against Barry’s leg and quickly murmured something, but most of her voice was muffled by Barry’s still blood-stained jeans. 

“What was that, hun?”

Lup meekly turned her head towards Barry’s, eyes watering.

“I don’t deserve this,” she said in a small voice.

“Don’t deserve what?” He asked, smoothing her hair down.

There was a pause, “Everything.”

Barry didn’t say anything, waiting for her to continue, “To have you and Angus again, to be able to talk and cook with Taako to be able to _see_ Magnus and Merle and Davenport and Lucretia.”

“You know that’s not true. We love you and we’re glad you back, babe.”

“But I left! I left you and a three-month old and Taako and everyone all alone! Had I not left Angus would have grown up with with us! You wouldn’t have died! I just feel like I don’t deserve this, to-” she was stopped by a knock at the door.

“Angus that you?” Barry asked, and his response was the door slowly cracking, and Angus stood in the doorframe, a worried look on his face.

“Sorry to disturb you but I got up to get a glass of water and I heard- I heard- well I just wanted to see if I could help, I’ll just go back to bed I don’t want to upset anyone.” Angus spluttered, starting to back down the hallway.

“No, Ango, you’re fine, c’mere,” Barry said, “I think your mother could use some love.”

Angus climbed into the bed between them, “What’s- what’s going on? Did you have another nightmare?”

Lup shakily sighed, “No, Ango, I- I guess I haven’t been completely honest with you. Most times you find me awake after you have a nightmare, it isn’t because I’ve had a nightmare, but because I can’t sleep and deal with what I’ve done.”

“But you’ve done nothing wrong! You’ve done so much for me since you came back! I’ve loved every minute of it, like how you teach me how to cook and teach me magic that Taako can’t, and you hug me and tell me how proud of me you are!” Angus was practically shouting at this point, and hugging Lup so tightly, his face pressed against her and his own tears starting to stain her shirt.

“You should have gotten to experience that your entire life, not for just a few short months. I left you when you were so young, and then you were all alone.”

“That- that wasn’t all your fault. I- I got Taako to kill me when we started forgetting,” Barry added, “But we’re all together now, so everything’s good and you know I’ve already forgiven you.”

“I forgive you too,” Angus added.

“I- I don’t know if I can forgive myself…” Lup murmured, “I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I left. And when I came back I didn’t even recognize my own flesh and blood, I didn’t recognize you when I was in the umbrella either. And I should have, from the moment the boys found you on that train.”

“Well, you did say you couldn’t really ‘see’ when you were in the umbrella, just ‘sense’ so you couldn’t really tell what I looked like, and we were kind of preoccupied when Taako freed you.” Angus, although still sniffling, said with surprising amount of decorum.

“And hey, you saved so many towns and lives from being destroyed by the gauntlet by locking it away!” Barry pleaded, “And you meant to come back.”

“I just feel so… guilty. I can’t forgive myself for leaving, and I can’t make up the decade that I lost with you two.”

Barry paused for a moment, stroking Lup’s hair.

“You don’t have to, not yet,” he started, “It’ll be hard, adjusting to the world now that you’re back in a physical body, just, every time you think about it, tell yourself ‘it’s in the past’ and move on to a new thought, like how you’re here now, with us.”

Lup took a few deep breaths.

“Okay. I can try that.”

“Good,” Barry replied, “Now let’s get some sleep.”

Barry settled in, kissing Angus’s forehead, and he giggled. Then he gave Lup a quick kiss on the nose and settled in and threw the covers over the three of them. 

“Good night guys, I love you.” Barry said as he set his glasses on his bedside table. 

There was quiet for a few moments.

“Hey babe, you’re still wearing your jeans aren’t you. And I remember Kravitz saying tonight would be rough… Are your jeans bloody?”

“Shit. You’re right.” 

Lup and Angus laughed as Barry got up and changed into a pair of sweatpants, also discarding his dress shirt. He fumbled around in the dark as he tried to do these things, but Lup, with her dark vision, could see it all and continued to laugh. 

When the fiasco was over and Barry slipped back under the covers, he quickly burrowed in and huffed, “Better?”  
Lup and Angus laughed in response.

“Thanks, babe, for everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Part of this was written as a therapy tactic for the slight PTSD I have of some traumatic moments of my life.  
> Barry's advice at the end was based on advice given to me by my therapist.
> 
> There might be a part two to this if I ever get better mentally, but for now it is complete.
> 
> If you're interested in my life my tumblr is SpaceEdgars
> 
> More of this series to come!


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